Journal entries from this summer

7/12

I'm tired - too much SIMs last night. Caity just texted and she won't be back until tomorrow due to Endres painting.

After all that has happened, why can I not resist the advances of men? - In particular 2. UGH. I disgust myself. How can I believe I want a committed relationship if I just fuck guys the minute they come on to me? ROAR. I feel so stupid. At least I'm smart with respect to sex. Tomorrow I begin women's studies 103. SO excited, not for the homework aspect, but because this will definitely be (I hope) the best class I've ever taken, although I probably won't meet any guys.

8/2

Dear Alex,

You are an asshole. What else can I say? How much have I done for you since our breakup - A LOT. Yet, you treat me like a piece of shit. It makes me sick that I could've dated such a horrible person for five years. What is wrong with me? Am I the new Emily? I guess I'm not understanding. 1. I didn't cheat on you - I wanted to, desperately, but DIDN'T. 2. Your dad cheated on your mom, did you know that???? Ugh, god I feel like shit and I have to go to class tomorrow, and work. How can you act like I'm not there? I'm not a ghost. This reflects immaturity. One of the reasons I dumped you. I have this horrible (although it doesn't seem so now) idea that you will never amount to anything. For some reason, I want to know about it when it happens. Maybe I'll hear through the grapevine. Now I'm just being resentful, which does not make me a good writer. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. So thanks - from Caity and I, for being the douchiest ex bf ever... grr. You make me want to die, and I didn't do anything wrong, except to break up with you much to late than was best for both of us.

Why is life so hard this summer? Do I deserve this? Even though I have it better than 99.999% of the world, I'm fucking complaining. I must be a terrible bitch. GOD. I can't wait until we move. A fresh start, new beginnings. I'm never going to find a new man, am I? I'm so fucking impatient. I need to masturbate, but have had no time alone that would allow me to effectively do so. How do I get out of this terrible mood? It won't allow me to sleep, even though that would be an amazing cure for this temporary depression.

Goodness I'm poor. Well, not technically, but yes. No more buying until you get school clothes. And minimize the expense. Shop AE for jeans. What an amazing fit, those slim boot in 00 short. Blegh. Shopping and day dreaming isn't even cheering me up. I need a severe escape. A book might work, or help.

At least I'm almost done with women's studies. I can finally focus on work for the last two weeks of summer (or approximately 3 weeks?) I need to work non-stop and make a lot of money. That shall be my greedy focus until September. That, and meeting friends at the SOP orientation. Although most guys don't like short hair. I will attract the creative type - potentially?? Are there reative types in pharm school? well. nevermind.

8/3

So much reading to do yuck. domestic violence sucks. I'm glad that so far in my life I haven't had to deal with it in the least. Tired today. I took a 2 hr. nap, boo. And MacXperts are a rip off. What a waste of time to travel all the way down to Willy St. But I did find a student bus pass that I stole to use for the rest of the term. I'm naughty, but I rationalize because whoever lost it wouldn't have found it anyway, or been contacted, since the signature is so scribbly. But I digress. Hopefully by tomorrow I can get caught up on WS readings, so I can focus on studying and the take home portion of the exam on Wed. night. Work was boring. I did 3 SIUs today with very minimal slacking. My next pay check, (after Friday) will be bigger. Thank god. I need AE jeans. So flattering. Ok. reading time.

8/9

I spent way too much money. Ugh. I dipped into that $2000 that mom just transferred to my acct. Luckily, I plan on working full time this week. SO! I will make it all back way before my credit card bill is due. phew! Ok. So I got:

2 tanks
2 pairs of jeans
1 jean skirt
1 smokin' eyes makeup kit
1 headband
1 little black dress

So basically, my sexy ass will attract guys, and then on our fancy date, I will hook them with flirty eyes and the LBD. Ugh. I'm hot, but oh so lonely. When will I find a man? I need to make out with someone. That's it. feel their boner against my thigh maybe. God is anyone having a party where I can take advantage? That's horrible. I can't believe I'm talking like this. What I truly long for is a relationship, or a few date-dates. Like Galen is SOOOOOOOO hott, or attractive at least. I want him. But that it so far out of reach. I couldn't even fathom it. He has NO interest. I can tell.

So Spring Awakening was absolutely amazing as usual. The sex scene made my chest tighten and a shock run through my body. That is how making out should feel. Most definitely felt that with alex at one point. Not anymore. So because I don't know how to flirt, not at all, not even a little bit, Matt, Caity's cousin, is going to teach me when I get my computer back - which SHOULD be tomorrow. He's actually pretty attractive, but living in California is just too far. Plus, he got dumped less than a week ago. That is like a losing game. So tomorrow I work... must sleep now...

Oh Glory Days.

Well....welly welly well well.

Pretty much it's been a few years. I've reverted back to the pen and paper form of journal. Here's the question: Do I write down all of the old journals onto here in order to preserve them? Maybe. Not today though, too much stuff to do.

I'm not going to bother catching everyone up. If you know me, good. If you don't, hi.

UGH. I'm sort of nervous for the pledging midterm - but not really. I know exactly what is going to be on the exam, and I AM a memorizing machine ever since macroecon.

2 is a bitch. He's back with Briana. I don't really care, except that I need sex sometimes, and have no outlet. Anyway, I'm prettier regardless. No acne. No tattoos. There are so many other guys who are much nicer.

Ok dude. I'm going to write before I go to bed most nights, and I've decided to do the update of my other journal because I can't decide what to write right now, and I need to eat some fucking lunch.

MEOW