Journal entries from this summer

7/12

I'm tired - too much SIMs last night. Caity just texted and she won't be back until tomorrow due to Endres painting.

After all that has happened, why can I not resist the advances of men? - In particular 2. UGH. I disgust myself. How can I believe I want a committed relationship if I just fuck guys the minute they come on to me? ROAR. I feel so stupid. At least I'm smart with respect to sex. Tomorrow I begin women's studies 103. SO excited, not for the homework aspect, but because this will definitely be (I hope) the best class I've ever taken, although I probably won't meet any guys.

8/2

Dear Alex,

You are an asshole. What else can I say? How much have I done for you since our breakup - A LOT. Yet, you treat me like a piece of shit. It makes me sick that I could've dated such a horrible person for five years. What is wrong with me? Am I the new Emily? I guess I'm not understanding. 1. I didn't cheat on you - I wanted to, desperately, but DIDN'T. 2. Your dad cheated on your mom, did you know that???? Ugh, god I feel like shit and I have to go to class tomorrow, and work. How can you act like I'm not there? I'm not a ghost. This reflects immaturity. One of the reasons I dumped you. I have this horrible (although it doesn't seem so now) idea that you will never amount to anything. For some reason, I want to know about it when it happens. Maybe I'll hear through the grapevine. Now I'm just being resentful, which does not make me a good writer. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. So thanks - from Caity and I, for being the douchiest ex bf ever... grr. You make me want to die, and I didn't do anything wrong, except to break up with you much to late than was best for both of us.

Why is life so hard this summer? Do I deserve this? Even though I have it better than 99.999% of the world, I'm fucking complaining. I must be a terrible bitch. GOD. I can't wait until we move. A fresh start, new beginnings. I'm never going to find a new man, am I? I'm so fucking impatient. I need to masturbate, but have had no time alone that would allow me to effectively do so. How do I get out of this terrible mood? It won't allow me to sleep, even though that would be an amazing cure for this temporary depression.

Goodness I'm poor. Well, not technically, but yes. No more buying until you get school clothes. And minimize the expense. Shop AE for jeans. What an amazing fit, those slim boot in 00 short. Blegh. Shopping and day dreaming isn't even cheering me up. I need a severe escape. A book might work, or help.

At least I'm almost done with women's studies. I can finally focus on work for the last two weeks of summer (or approximately 3 weeks?) I need to work non-stop and make a lot of money. That shall be my greedy focus until September. That, and meeting friends at the SOP orientation. Although most guys don't like short hair. I will attract the creative type - potentially?? Are there reative types in pharm school? well. nevermind.

8/3

So much reading to do yuck. domestic violence sucks. I'm glad that so far in my life I haven't had to deal with it in the least. Tired today. I took a 2 hr. nap, boo. And MacXperts are a rip off. What a waste of time to travel all the way down to Willy St. But I did find a student bus pass that I stole to use for the rest of the term. I'm naughty, but I rationalize because whoever lost it wouldn't have found it anyway, or been contacted, since the signature is so scribbly. But I digress. Hopefully by tomorrow I can get caught up on WS readings, so I can focus on studying and the take home portion of the exam on Wed. night. Work was boring. I did 3 SIUs today with very minimal slacking. My next pay check, (after Friday) will be bigger. Thank god. I need AE jeans. So flattering. Ok. reading time.

8/9

I spent way too much money. Ugh. I dipped into that $2000 that mom just transferred to my acct. Luckily, I plan on working full time this week. SO! I will make it all back way before my credit card bill is due. phew! Ok. So I got:

2 tanks
2 pairs of jeans
1 jean skirt
1 smokin' eyes makeup kit
1 headband
1 little black dress

So basically, my sexy ass will attract guys, and then on our fancy date, I will hook them with flirty eyes and the LBD. Ugh. I'm hot, but oh so lonely. When will I find a man? I need to make out with someone. That's it. feel their boner against my thigh maybe. God is anyone having a party where I can take advantage? That's horrible. I can't believe I'm talking like this. What I truly long for is a relationship, or a few date-dates. Like Galen is SOOOOOOOO hott, or attractive at least. I want him. But that it so far out of reach. I couldn't even fathom it. He has NO interest. I can tell.

So Spring Awakening was absolutely amazing as usual. The sex scene made my chest tighten and a shock run through my body. That is how making out should feel. Most definitely felt that with alex at one point. Not anymore. So because I don't know how to flirt, not at all, not even a little bit, Matt, Caity's cousin, is going to teach me when I get my computer back - which SHOULD be tomorrow. He's actually pretty attractive, but living in California is just too far. Plus, he got dumped less than a week ago. That is like a losing game. So tomorrow I work... must sleep now...

Oh Glory Days.

Well....welly welly well well.

Pretty much it's been a few years. I've reverted back to the pen and paper form of journal. Here's the question: Do I write down all of the old journals onto here in order to preserve them? Maybe. Not today though, too much stuff to do.

I'm not going to bother catching everyone up. If you know me, good. If you don't, hi.

UGH. I'm sort of nervous for the pledging midterm - but not really. I know exactly what is going to be on the exam, and I AM a memorizing machine ever since macroecon.

2 is a bitch. He's back with Briana. I don't really care, except that I need sex sometimes, and have no outlet. Anyway, I'm prettier regardless. No acne. No tattoos. There are so many other guys who are much nicer.

Ok dude. I'm going to write before I go to bed most nights, and I've decided to do the update of my other journal because I can't decide what to write right now, and I need to eat some fucking lunch.

MEOW

Blegh! I absolutely HATE working. - Esp. when I know my boyfriend is sitting at home and has been for the past how many days because of a HEAVEN FORBID "stomach ache." And of course he's been waited on hand and foot. However, I should have sympathy for sickness if I ever get it because then I'll want people to have empathize with me and my pain.

Tomorrow I work too. One of these days...one of these days....

I'm so glad I'm smart enough for college so that I don't have to work one of these jobs for the next 47 years of my adult life.

Yesterday Brown and I hung out (of course after I worked) with Peterson, Barbian, and Mike. We played the Wii and stuff and then watched the Office. I'm not sure they wanted me there, as I was the only girl, and they called Brown to invite him, not him and I. Nobody complained, though. I believe I just kept them from smoking weed for an hour or so, since they totally did it right before we came...and were going to after we left. I BEGGED brown to go, because of the whole friend issue and how I haven't hung out with anyone other than him for the past month. It wasn't as great as I expected to get out of the rut; mostly because they aren't my friends, they are his. But I have to be thankful that he finally agreed to call the guys back and go because I was almost in tears.

Anyway, I hope I cashier tomorrow because I bagged tonight and was getting SO tired and cranky that I ALMOST started purposefully bagging everyone (who asked for paper) too heavy and badly. - if that makes sense.

I have to eat soon, supper. I know it's late, and I'm going to have something shitty, but that's basically how my summer has been thus far.

MB

OK. Here it goes...

HI-

I've been lazy, haven't written in a while. Anyway, here's what has been going on for the past I don't know how many months.

1. I read a lot. Well, a lot to me is not for some, but seriously I've gotten through many more books than I had planned to get through this summer. I mostly stick to the best seller list (minus the harry potter) because I know those books are always kick-ass. Or at least they have been in my opinion. I guess it's good to start reading now.

2. I went to SOAR. It was not super exciting, but I did get my classes. Only 13 credits this semester, but they wouldn't let me take any other classes because they say "starting college is like a 3 credit course." Well. I guess that's ok. I tested out of the introduction english course YAY! Also, I was placed in 4th semester french and 2nd semester calculus. So everything will be great. I will be taking Chem 103 in addition.

3. I got a job at Cub Foods. It isn't so glamorous as a coffee shop, but apparently starbucks didn't like the fact that I had a vacation during the 1st week they would want me to work. - either that or I interview EXTREMELY badly and they didn't want to hire me even though I know the manager of the entire madison branch.

4. I'm typing on my new laptop and getting used to the Apple computer before college begins.

5. My so called friend doesn't speak to me anymore... Yes it's true! Though we were formerly best of friends (at least I thought) we haven't spoken since early june. I don't know what's up to tell you the truth. All of the sudden she started talking to me less and less. And of course I have to wonder, is it me? Knowing her, probably. You see, the whole time we were friends, she talked awfully a lot behind people's backs. - like what she didn't like about them. I heard it all. Some things minor, others I'd really have to agree with. And I often did wonder if she said the same kind of things about me. I was inclined to think "no" but now I have to wonder. Maybe the same thing that happened with her and Patty, happened with her and I (even if we were friends for MUCH longer and I didn't almost make out with her boyfriend). I know she did't like it when other friends became too close with her friends, so maybe I just got too close to "her friends" though I thought of them as my friends as well. So it started during the last quarter or so at school. She was in my AP Lit class and really I would ask her questions and most of the time she kind of ignored the fact that I was even talking, quite aggravating...however sometimes she would answer and actually talk to me as if nothing was different. Bipolar?, maybe. Of course I am one to blame it on myself.... I might think that it is because I started liking another boy when I was still dating my boyfriend of three and a half years. Really, though, how can you judge someone if you've never been in the situation. She liked John when she went to prom with cole. She probably thought it inappropriate, esp since she was so devoted to her own bf at that point. But it really was my business (not hers) to say what I can and can't do, and if that's something to break a friendship over, I really hope there were MANY MANY other things that drove her to stop talking to me. <<<<< (OK RUNON SENTENCE HERE)!!! This wouldn't bother me so much, however I feel like most of my friends were her friends also-not all, mind you, but quite a few, most in fact. And I also feel, that since they knew her longer than they knew me, that they would rather invite her to their get togethers rather than moi, or at least usually they invited her, and she invited me. Seriously, I haven't seen ANY of those friends for SO long because I dont' have the guts to call them very often, and they don't invite me to things ....oh, and I don't read Harry Potter, oh and work a lot of weekends. SO, it isn't just like losing one friend, it is like losing a lot of them, even though I know they don't take sides, and don't have anything against me. Although I do believe they know what she thinks of me, but they won't tell me. I really don't want to go off to college without talking to my friends all summer, even if some of them (including her) are going to the same one as me. I've asked Waner...and he didn't say like ANYTHING. I asked Rachel, and she said that maybe we both think that the other hates the one. I would LOVE to believe this, and believe me, I've tried, but for some reason I don't think that would motivate her to stop talking to me...or calling me....which stopped basically after calc 221 ended (when she stopped needing help for hw, though I needed help, too, sometimes) (I must be fair). So my question to myself and anyone that reads this, (hopefully not her.....though why would anyone, since I NEVER update??) : What should I do? Should I try to contact her???...most likely by phone. Facebook is too impersonal, and the message could be forwarded. Or should I just let it go. I feel like I need closure, like a break up. - and I know she won't call me. I'm not sending a letter, because Patty did that to her, and she laughed about it with me. I don't think if she was confronted with a phone call, she would laugh...at least in my face.

Sorry, I had to dump on everyone like this.


Anyway, that's pretty much been my summer....oh, but I'm not tan yet. I work too much inside to have time to be tan, but I did run for the first time today, a mile. 8min 44sec. That's my best time since FOREVER, so I'm really excited.

MB

Graduation!

Woo!! I graduated last weekend. Now it's time for summer and I am required to get a job - not for the money, mind you, but the experience. I have filled out three applications, one of which I have returned. The other two I will return today, while I grab at least one more. BLEGH! What if nobody wants me to work for them? Then what? Then I go back to my old job I guess.

Today I am going to start work on a KB fairy. I can't wait! I'm sure I'll get very far now that I have the time to do so, sans guilt. I also must scrapbook graduation - which must wait until I get pictures :(, hopefully soon.

Next Saturday I am leaving to go up north for vacation, yay!

Graduation Announcements.

Instead of getting a head start on my homework for tomorrow, I decided that I must take pictures for my graduation party invitations. Firstly, I must say that some of them I believe are better than my actual senior pictures. They are outside, and I am glad I opted for not going the illegal route and scanning those copywritten senior photos. SO! Here is an example of one of them (or 2). Problem is (though this is a good problem to have!) I must choose between two pics for my invite. I have NO idea. However, my mom did say that I could just do both.

ANYWAY. I just took the AP Bio test today and boy!, was it challenging. That is about all I can say about it now.

Otherwise...my ballet recital is this weekend and I cannot wait to perform, though nervous I am. We have two dances, each with a quite different mood. One is to Beyoncé's Irreplacable - an angry woman dance. The other is to...something about 100 years. It is sort of uplifting, yet about death. I am mostly concerned about remembering all of them...since of course I missed about 1000weeks of class due to dance team performances! ....oohh, sacrificing ballet for hip-hop. No I don't consider this an awful thing!!! (I LOVE hip-hop)...I just need to remember these dances!!!

Well. I better go
ttyl

As of now...!

I am so excited. I have become a part of the knitted babes blog! I found the email just 10 minutes ago.

In the mean time, I just got back from my lyrical/ballet dance class and it was a WORK OUT tonight. My recital is in 2 weeks, so we are really trying hard this week. I am the oldest in my class, HA! I guess not a lot of seniors in high school share my interest. Dance team try outs are in a couple of weeks, and though I am graduating, I still might try to help out my fellow team members in teaching the dance to the try outees. There are always a TON of girls.

SO! I have a dilemma for AP Lit. I just changed my independent reading book from As I Lay Dying, (very difficult in my opinion, not understandable enough to do a presentation on), to Joy Luck Club (which is WAY too easy, but however is on the list of recommended reads). Though I am not breaking any rules by reading this, I feel like I could've read it in 8th grade. I feel guilty because I think I could do better. I would change books again, however our book must be completed by this Friday, and I cannot possibly find and read a whole new book by that time. I would have chosen a book that was on the list that I had already read, but our teacher, at the beginning of the school year cleverly told us to write down a list of books we had read (so we couldn't cheat on this project I presume, not because she was curious)...but you'd think that if we had read one on the list, we still would've done just as much work if we had read it earlier or later...

HARVEST MOON AWL UPDATE
(If you don't know what this is, it's an RPG, not my real life)

Today (2nd year Winter 5-10), my calf became old enough to live in the barn, instead of an incubater. It is a boy, named Quin. Unfortunately, I wish it was a girl so it could provide me milk. Now all it can do is impregnate my other Star cow, who has not yet given milk because the bull (who I now realize I bought a little late) is STILL not old enough to give MP. I should just buy MP, but I am very stingy, and I have a feeling that he is going to turn adult really soon since I've had him a LONG time (almost 3 mo.). His name is Harris, and he is a basic. I have also seen the white monster thing, but cannot get the intermission scene with Daryl so I can get a free seed maker. Again, I can afford one, but I am very tight with the money, and want to save for a milk processing room. I am married to Celia and we have a son Peter.

Now I am going to go watch HOUSE, which I taped during ballet.